Trump Forced To Play Glockenspiel At Rally After Every Artist Bars Use Of Songs 

WALKER, MI—Plunking out a solo as the performance entered its 45th minute, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was reportedly forced to play the glockenspiel at a rally Friday after every musical artist in the country banned him from using their songs.

“He started out with some sheet music, but within minutes he was just hammering away at the same few notes over and over,” rally-goer Ray Garza said as Trump regaled the crowd with a medley of public domain material including “Alexander’s Ragtime Band” and “Take Me Out To The Ball Game.” “I’ve heard at other rallies he’ll go for hours at a time. At first I was kinda unsure, but he just has so much confidence. While I never really liked jazz before, he can improv on those keys, and it just keeps me hooked. I’m not sure if he really invented the glockenspiel, like he claimed, but he’s the best I’ve ever heard, and he says all of Kamala Harris’ glockenspiel performances are fake.” At press time, the estate of Irving Berlin was suing the former president for his glockenspiel rendition of “God Bless America.”